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Fear Management vs. Danger Management | When It Gets Mixed | So How Do You Tell The Difference?

So How Do You Tell The Difference?
The first step is not to let your emotions blind you to what you know. 

For example, you know if you shoot someone, there is going to be legal consequences. Nothing is going change that.(3)

What you might not know is self-defense is a legally defined term that has some pretty strict  guidelines. Guidelines that are easy to cross and turn a situation into fighting (illegal and participatory violence). The higher the level of force (gun or knife) the more strict those guidelines. The important thing is, you can learn about these guidelines and function within them and still be safe! That's actual danger management because it protects you both from the attack and going to prison.

Fear management will tell you to not bother with that. Learning legal use of force? Prison? Pffffft! Those aren't important. What is important is your fear of being attacked.

That flies directly in the face of what you know -- and what is demonstrably true. If you're scared about being attacked and you carry a talisman (gun or knife) without any training about when you can legally, ethically and justifiably use it you're setting yourself up for disaster.

Functional self-defense training is about more than just HOW to punch and kick or use a knife or gun. But most martial arts schools, so-called 'reality based self-defense' and women's self-defense programs DON'T teach that. That's because they're providing fear management, NOT danger management. Worse, many talisman peddlers will tell you flat out "I'd rather be judged by 12 than carried by 6" or how knowing self-defense law will cause you to freeze at a critical moment.

Second step: No matter how much you want to believe that confident and muscular person about what's involved in self-defense, cross check the information AT the sources.

For example: If someone tells you this is the legal standard of self-defense, that person had damned well be an attorney. If he is not -- then run it BY an attorney! And that includes whatever I tell you! I have personally witnessed martial arts instructors tell their students

1. A neck break from behind on a downed opponent is 'self-defense'
2. Telling someone "I don't want to fight" three times and then unleashing kung fu fury on that person is 'self-defense'
3. Kicking -- or worse stabbing -- a downed opponent is 'self-defense'
4. There are 'no rules' in a street fight (a.k.a. a 'real fight')

ANY of those will get you arrested and convicted of not only assault, but attempted murder, if not murder.

If a martial arts master tells you that this blow will drive someone's nose bone into a person's skull, talk with a medical doctor about the possibility. If some RBSD person tells you this is a lethal blow that will drop a person, talk to someone who has been in hand-to-hand combat or has done a few tours of duty and knows how hard it is to kill someone. With an ongoing war in the Middle East, there are lots of people who have experience killing -- and how hard it can be to effectively stop someone intent on killing you. If someone tells you what works in a 'real' fight, go out and ask someone who's job it is to to use physical force, cops, bouncers, correctional officers, ER security -- NOT professional gym rats.

Third step: When it comes to your safety, stop looking for
   1) absolutes
   2) guarantees
   3) simplistic 'you only need to do this' answers

People seeking fear management love these kinds of answers. The idea is all you need is to know an ultimate fighting system, carry a weapon, carry your keys between your fingers, study mixed martial arts or know some deadly secret technique that starts with "THE (fill in the blank).

And all you need to be safe from vampires is a cross and this powerful prayer.

There are no simplistic answers to the complexities of violence. Violence happens for many reasons, at many levels and has different motivations. What is the 'right' answer for one kind of situation is a disaster in another. What works against a committed attacker is overkill against Drunken Uncle Albert at a family reunion. What works against Albert will get you killed against a committed -- and armed -- attacker.

While the components of conflict are pretty consistent, there are lots of variations and subtle ways they can be mixed and manifest. Coming up with the 'right' answer to the situation is based on your knowledge of levels of force, what's appropriate for each and your ability to accurately assess the threat level.

Fear, however, is going to tell you that any conflict is Ragnarok and you need to go berserk in order to survive.

Step four: LEARN PEOPLE SKILLS!

A big issue of fear based training is that somehow you magically find yourself in an extreme situation where you have no choice but to fight. How exactly did you find yourself in a dark alley with your wheelchair bound grandmother and your children, surrounded by muggers so you have to unleash your killer kung fu commando training?

A friend of ours, William 'Buzz' Lange, once observed: In order for a system to go out of control the warning signals have to be ignored, or worse, intentionally turned off.

This is a very profound observation, especially when it comes to violence. Violence doesn't just happen. Nor does it pop out of nowhere. It takes time and effort to get there. Violence is an extreme of human behavior as well as a predictable process.

What's most predictable about it is how it occurs when the warning signals are not recognized, minimized, ignored or flat-out flushed down the toilet. This is especially true because most violence occurs between people who know each other. In case you haven't figured it out, we're talking about a fight.

That's a situation where you have two people in conflict who are BOTH participating in the creation, escalation and process. If you're fighting, you're part of the problem ... no matter how self-justified you feel you are.

Putting that in terms of Buzz's quote, both of them are ignoring the warning signals. The urge to 'win' can -- and does -- blind you to what you're doing. It's always amazing to me when people commit the most vicious, serves-no-other-purpose-but-to-hurt verbal attacks and then are shocked when someone punches them in the face. They attacked verbally, someone counter attacked physically, why are they surprised someone escalated the violence after they did the exact same thing?

Right there is the underlying problem of most fear management systems. They aren't teaching you 'self-defense,' they're teaching you how to win a fight. A fight that usually could have been avoided with some people skills.

Worse, they often pander to the false idea that you can say and do anything you want because now you know how to 'defend yourself' if someone takes umbrage and physically attacks. It's self-defense doncha know?

This attitude is increasing your danger. Not only physically, but legally too. The last if you 'win.' It means you are an active participant in creating a violent situation.

But you won't hear about the need to develop people skills in fear based training. The raw truth is most so-called self-defense training only give lip service to awareness, avoidance, de-escalation. After claiming that they teach it, they spend 97% of the class time teaching you how to bust someone's skull.

And that works GREAT with what talisman seekers want.  When it comes to violence, a huge element of fear management is: Now that I have put myself into this dangerous situation -- through deeds, actions, emotional outbursts, self-righteousness, selfishness, ignorance, poor impulse control, lack of people skills or just plain not thinking -- how can come safely out of it? Oh yeah, and still preserve myself image, belief system and comfort zone while I'm at it?

I wish to God I was making this up. Putting it bluntly you don't need special training on how to kill or beat someone up. People do it all the time without training. Just look at the police call log.

What is far more useful -- not only from a self-defense standpoint, but a career, quality of life and interpersonal relationship -- is developing people skills. You do this so you DON'T end up looking surprised over the knuckles that just punched you in the face for what you said or did.

Let me state people who come to me with dangerous situations, categorically, come with a list of saying and doing things that escalated it.  Because of pride, anger, emotional outbursts, over confidence they'd all walked into the situation with their eyes open and head up -- until it proved to be over their heads. (The closest to an exception was a mother whose son had ripped off a gang of drug dealers, but even she had unwittingly thrown away the drugs while cleaning house).

Violence doesn't just happen. There's a build up. A build up that if you don't see or recognize makes it seem like it came out of nowhere. Usually though that build up is not only right there in front of you, but you were a big part of. This is why knowing what not to do is so important (I'll explain that in a second).

If you're scared of violence happening take a good hard look at what you are doing that is making it likely. If you stop doing those things the odds of you being involved in a violent situation go WAY down.

And that brings us to the fifth and last step: Assess your danger

There are three basic risk categories. Low, Medium and High.

A middle-class, work-at-home mom with kids and a healthy, normal relationship is at very little risk. Simply stated, the odds are greater that she will be killed in a car crash than by violence from a stranger. And yet, fear can make her believe that there are ninja rapist/muggers lurking behind every corner.

Every year billions of people manage to get through life without being involved in any kind of physical violence or danger. How they live their lives greatly reduces the chances of them being involved in violence. Simply stated, take a lesson from those people. They have some very effective strategies for both staying out of trouble and making sure it doesn't escalate. You'll quickly notice a large element of how they avoid violence involves what they don't do. There are those pesky people skills again ... things like not having to tell someone your opinion of them at the drop of a hat)

Low risk individuals really don't need to devote that much time to personal safety. Understanding some basics elements about how crime occurs a low risk individual really doesn't need to invest more than a minute (collectively) a day ensuring his or her personal safety. Three seconds here, three seconds there is all they need.

Medium risk is both situational and personal. Living in a bad part of town, working certain jobs/shifts, being related to certain people, these things are situations that increase your chances of being targeted for violence. A late night cashier at a gas station has a much higher chance of looking down the barrel of a robber's gun than an office worker -- especially if the gas station is near a freeway.(4)

Personal is more about behavior, lifestyle choices and who you choose to associate with. A member of the high school chess club is far less likely to get involved in violence  than a member of the football team. The football player is less likely than a wild child, partier. Even if you're over 21, going out to bars and wandering around the city at 2 a.m. increases your chances of being involved in an incident.

Personal also has a lot to do with how polite you are to other people. It especially is related to how fast you go on the verbal offensive. In nicer middle class or professional environments, this is still medium risk behavior. Most 'nice' people will move away from an unnecessary conflict. This gives the illusion that being verbally aggressive is an effective strategy.

The truth is, it's only effective if you very carefully pick low-risk targets. Choosing to act this with the wrong person can, and will, get you assaulted -- especially if you do it on someone you consider beneath you. Target selection is unreliable enough that obnoxious behavior constitutes medium risk.

If you are in a medium risk situation, then yes, extra steps and precautions need to be implemented. On top of knowing how crime occurs, developing people skills, more attention to your environment, safety protocols and habits (like in dodgy neighborhoods doing your shopping and running errands during the 'safer' mid-day) are all advisable.

What is most important, however, is the ability to drop what you are doing and paying attention when things START getting tense. That includes changing your plans. For example: see those three guys hanging out at the parking lot entrance? It's time to turn around, go back inside and get help -- preferably security. If you decide to walk to your car, don't be surprised when you're robbed.

High risk is not only situational and personal, but it's going out of your way to find trouble. As we say in the High Risk Behavior section of this site, there's an appeal to it. Usually high risk behavior is fun. We're not just talking sex, drugs and rock and roll. We're also talking excitement, thrills, adventure and the sense of freedom and power. It's playing where the wild things are.

Or it can be a manifestation of extreme dysfunction, neurosis, addiction, dependence, co-dependence, low-self esteem and being so emotionally screwed up you make a corkscrew look like a ruler. This can result in you being involved with a selfish and mean prick. Or something much, much worse.

Of course it could also be your job to kick in doors, shoot people and drop bombs on people who are shooting at you or your friends. Fortunately, that kind of situation comes with lots of training on danger management.

If you're in a high risk situation that is WAY beyond the scope of what can be learned on a webpage. You need to learn either how to be really, really good at surviving there or get the hell out of there. And yes, you have to learn how to get out of high risk situations because getting out is easy (you just leave) staying out of another one is much, much harder. That's because your brain has been physically rewired by being there.

In closing let me say, DON'T let fear guide your actions. If there is a legitimate danger, learn danger management. There are reliable steps and protocols that greatly reduce your danger. As I often say, "Train for what happens most and you'll be able to handle most of what happens" This applies in spades AFTER you've done a risk assessment on your lifestyle. Don't worry about learning how to survive mafia hitmen coming after you if you aren't in that lifestyle.

Don't waste your time and money on crosses and special prayers that will keep you safe from vampires.  If you're afraid of ninjas lurking around the corner waiting to jump you -- unless you pissed off a ninja clan -- the problem isn't external. It's fear.

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1) In some extreme cases they'll teach you how to become a deadly vampire hunter Return to Text

2) The odd thing about most of these guys are -- from a danger management point of view --  living very low-risk lifestyles. I mean like 'wearing scorpion proof gloves in Minnesota' low-risk. This allows for all kinds conditions beneficial to fear management to arise. A big one is the flaws in their 'talisman thinking' are never revealed. They not only conveniently stay away from situations where 'those who pose legitimate danger' tend to flourish, but they consciously avoid getting working strategies from those who operate in conditions of legitimate danger. This allows them to maintain all their beliefs about the awesomeness of  their tactical scorpion gloves (This can lead to some seriously strange rationalizations. "These gloves protect me from scorpions." "There aren't any scorpions in Minnesota!" "See how effective they are?") Return to Text

3)There are two exceptions:
  A) you are a criminal and know how to get away with it.
  B) you are in serious deep shit because 'the people' of the person you killed aren't talking to the police because they are going to handle it themselves by finding and killing you for what you did. Return to Text

4) Most robberies occur within a mile of a freeway or on major transportation route. This is referred to as the 'robbery corridor' as it allows the criminal easy access to an escape route. Also most robberies are of businesses instead of individuals (more money). In cases of individual robbery, these tend to happen in fringe areas. That is to say areas immediately outside densely populated and popular areas. For example, you won't be robbed in the mall, but rather the mall parking lot. Return to Text