A Story
Many years ago, I was in a convenience store with my former brother-in-law (let's call him "Bob"). He was 18 at the time. I was in my early 30's and a lot nastier. In fact, I was still pretty deeply involved in a hard-core lifestyle -- although I was trying to come out of it. That translates into the fact that I was still a vicious piece of work. One that really did deserve the street name "Animal." I was someone whom bad boys regularly stepped wide and even the toughest thought twice about tangling with me. But after a lifetime of violence, I was tired of it. I just wanted to get through the day without having to fight.

We walked into a store where there were three little gangbangers. They took one look at me, said "Uh-oh" and very quietly proceeded to go about their business. This is a common reaction of "tough guys" when in the presence of someone they know who would hurt them badly if they step out of line. That's fine. I wasn't looking for trouble. And, all of sudden, neither were they. That was all kinds of 'happy, happy, joy, joy' to me. It means everyone can go about their business and nobody has to die today.

I was trying to find the stuff we needed when I looked over at Bob ... there he was mad dawgin' (staring intently) at these guys.

"Hey!" I said. "Quit lookin' at them!"

A few second later, I looked up and saw he was staring at them again. Only this time, they were staring back. Damn it! This is how shit starts. I snarled at him, "Quit fuckin' starin' at them!" 

I then looked at the gangbangers with a grumpy expression, (imagine what a wolverine with a toothache looks like). Despite having been disrespected by my brother-in-law, the gangbangers dropped their eyes. I looked back, and Bob was still staring at them. I barked his name, and he finally turned to look at me.

"Knock it off!" I growled. The blaze in my eyes told him that -- while I wasn't about to go home and explain to my old lady that I'd let her little brother get his ass kicked -- I was more than willing to commit said ass kicking myself. That at least I could explain to her.

In slightly less than polite terms, I explained to him that I wasn't in the mood to kill anybody today because he felt it necessary to challenge a pack of punks. He was violating the rules of street etiquette by staring at them. His behavior not only put him in the wrong, but (had I not been there) would force them to react to the insult he giving them and the challenge he was throwing down. Even though they were young, the fact that they were three of them meant if violence occurred it would be have to be brutal for us to be safe. That was a level beyond his scope, so it would have to be me raining hell from above on these kids. And that was legal trouble I didn't need.

While this 'discussion' was going on, the gangbangers decided to leave.

Bob's actions, while he thought he was communicating that he was 'too tough to mess with,' was exactly what was going to get his ass kicked. And he'd attracted the attention of those who were looking to hand out that ass kicking.

Look at the two perspectives represented here. I, who had been in more shit than a septic pump truck driver, just wanted to be left alone. I was happy to let them go their own way. My attitude was "don't make me notice you, and we'll all get out of this alive." That's because I wasn't there trying to prove anything, nor was I insecure about what I could do.

But who was he trying to convince?

Those guys hadn't said a word to him. Nor had they made any threatening gestures. They were not setting up a crime. They weren't being loud and obnoxious. All they were doing was coming into to buy something.

Bob, on the other hand, was trying to prove something. Not to those guys, but to himself. And that is a hamster wheel that's hard to get off of.

How People React to Bullies (and How Bullies Know to Pick On)
Take a look at the quote at the top of the page. I have extrapolated a little on Peyton's original comment. That story I just told you contains two out of the four possible 'looks' that Peyton is talking about.

Actually, about 80 percent of the people don't even notice when a tough guy walks in. They're too busy doing something else. Believe it or not, this saves them all kind of trouble because the "door" that trouble would enter is closed. By simply not looking at them, the message these people are broadcasting tells the bully that those people don't want to play the bully's stupid little game.

Of the remaining 20 percent of the people, most are going to glance at them and then return to whatever else they were doing (e.g. the conversation they are having, reading a book, shopping, etc). The tough guy just isn't important to them. This is pretty much the same as just not seeing him. To them the tough guy is about as important as a lamppost ... he's just part of the scenery.

Now you might think that the bully would pick these people, but that isn't the case.

These types are far more of a danger to a bully than you are. To start with, a majority of these people are with other people. That's trouble for the bully right there. But they also have another important trait, that is they are not afraid to call in help. This willingness is something that both unaware and semi-aware people share. They don't have to be tough enough to handle a bully. All they have to do is be smart enough to call for help before the troublemaker gets too far along. They're a danger to the trouble maker because they won't hesitate to call someone is who can -- and will -- put the troublemaker in his place.

We've now dramatically cut the number of of people who will interact with the tough guy. So let's say that we started with a 100 people. 80 won't even notice him. Of the 20 who do about 80% will just go back to what they are doing. So out of the original 100, only about four will be willing to interact with the tough guy. Those four can be broken down into four basic types.    1) Those who job requires them to deal with the tough guy (store clerks,
       restaurant workers, etc.).    2) Those who will be the victims.    3) Those who will fight.
   4) Those whose can hand the "tough guy" his liver (after tearing it out first).

This last category is of particular interest. This is someone who is so 'beyond' the punk on the "bad ass scale" that the punk knows not to do anything to get noticed. This is literally the equivalent of a small shark not attracting the attention of a bigger one. If it does, it will become lunch. The usual response of bullies around this kind is to leave the area both quickly and quietly. (That's what those three gangbangers saw in me). Knowing 'when not to misbehave' is an important street survival trait. Punks know that crossing a heavy-hitter is the fastest way to suffer intense physical pain.

If you've ever wondered why punks choose to behave and choose not to behave in certain circumstances, you've just found it. There is a direct correlation between the swagger, loud, obnoxious and aggressive behavior and the distance to the nearest heavy hitter.

(This also applies, with someone who is willing to call reinforcements. For example the radio next to the bus driver has a serious dampening effect on misbehaving. The problem with these kinds though is that to some bullies it's a game. In fact, it's like gambling. He needs to leave before the authorities arrive. The challenge is: How much trouble can he make before he has to escape? That's the thrill. However, this game still relies on someone who can stop him not being immediately present.)

With this  knowledge about heavy hitters, start to look for this dynamic in action. While it is tempting to watch the punks (in concern that they will start acting up), when they are behaving look around! Usually when you are seeing a group of punks who came on strong but then started to behave, it's because they know there's something in the water that is bigger than them. Funny thing is, usually the bigger threat is far more low key than the punks, so you really have to look around to figure out who or what changed their behavior.

Interestingly enough the behavior of these heavy-hitters is -- superficially at least -- exactly the same as the person who glances at the tough guy and then returns to his business. He glances at the potential trouble, takes its measure and then returns a majority of his attention to what he is doing. The difference is that the heavy hitter has "shifted mental gears." Although he is back to what he is doing, there is still a degree of attention that is now tracking the would-be troublemaker's movement and behavior. He isn't afraid, but he is a large predator aware of the presence of a lesser one. Until that lesser predator starts trouble, the larger one will keep on doing what he is doing. But, he's ready to put a stop to the lesser predator's behavior if necessary.

You've Been Selected
This brings us to another type in those four people who look when the tough guy enters. These are the "victims." If there is no one near by to stop the bully, they will be the ones selected to be picked on. This is the person who is freaked out just by the punk's presence. These people either stare in wide-eyed terror or freak out and quickly look down. But -- and this is a huge "I'm safe to mess with" signal -- they are always shooting nervous glances at the tough guy. Basically , they act like a deer in the headlights. These people are sending a signal that they are safe to pick on.

Unfortunately, this behavior is exactly what the tough guy is looking for. Bullies and abusers pick up on this "vibe" like a shark detects blood in the water. Unlike a shark, though (who will just swim up and eat), when they encounter someone giving off these signals, bullies will play cat and mouse with their victim. This is a rush to them and they get off on the fear and anxiety that they are causing. In fact, they usually savor it and draw it out. This means that they often prolong the victims fear by hanging back and intimidating their victims. Officially they "aren't doing anything," but in fact, they are very actively instilling terror in their soon to be victim. An example of this is a bully in the class room who waits until the teacher's back is turned before making a threatening gesture to their victim. By the time class ends the victim is nearly hysterical with fear, but the bully has done nothing overt.

Recognize that this behavioral pattern is as much to instill fear into the victim as it is for the bully to work himself up to acting. It is the equivalent to an escalating interview as described in the Five Stages of Violent Crime. If you've ever seen a pack of punks get louder and more obnoxious in a train or bus, what you were seeing was them working their way up to acting. This escalating bad behavior is as much them convincing themselves that they can get away with it as it is intimidation.

Now the funny thing is the Bobs are the ones who most fear being branded as victims. So they think they 'have' to "stand up" to the tough guy. They're the ones who often find themselves rattlesnake-cornered (a rattlesnake is so stupid that it can get 'cornered' in an open field, and the usual result is that the snake ends up dying). Despite being completely concerned what "everyone else will think," these kind of people really aren't aware of what other people believe or think!

In fact, they're too busy supplying their own version of what they assume everyone will imagine.  They never go out and ask, "Hey, what do you think about this situation?" If they did, they'd discover that most people feel fighting is stupid and think more of people who don't fight than they do of those who do. Yet Bobs believe that they have to stand up to the dude right now and show everyone that they aren't anybody's bitch.

For these guys I ask, "What's the rush?" Why do you have to prove right now that you're tougher than he is?

My attitude is that his jaw will be just as breakable next week as it is now. And if it does go down, then it is better that it goes down on your terms, not his. If he's coming on strong, then he obviously believes any confrontation will be on his terms ... otherwise he wouldn't be doing it. Why do you have to fight him on his terms (usually when he has his buddies there with him to keep him from losing?)

My point is: There's a big, big difference between "I'm afraid to fight you" and "I choose not to fight you right now."

I'd also like to point out that Bobs tend to be selectively deaf. That is if 99 people tell him it is okay not to fight, the only person they are going to hear is another "Bob." It's the so-called "friend" who calls the first Bob a pussy for not fighting that the first Bob is going to hear the loudest and clearest. Thing about Bobs is that they tend to be self-reinforcing. Or as the old saying goes "Birds of a feather flock together."  The original Bob is going to be berated by the other Bobs for not fighting.

I've seen a few variations of this. Usually the can be divided into two categories: There and Not There. In both cases, a cornerstone of the behavior is "I would have..."  No matter if it was a "there" or "not there," this kind of "after action critique" is bullshit. However, this is especially true in "there" cases. These are situations where both Bobs are there and the other Bob doesn't do anything. Instead of stepping up and bailing his friend out of trouble, he sits back in wide-eyed terror as his friend is harassed. Then he proceeds to berate the first Bob for being a pussy because he didn't take on the tough guy and his three friends.

Well, guess what Bobby-boy, neither did you!!! So where do you get off calling someone a wimp when you didn't act either?

The second category "Not There" are just as bad. They weren't there facing the threat, so they're talking out of their asses about "what they would have done." And then they proceed to berate the original Bob for not having tried to fight four guys. All this woofing that Bobby number 2 is doing is covering the fact that, he would have backpeddled too. And the way he's doing it is by calling Bob number 1 a pussy.

If this kind of behavior wasn't bad enough in its original form, there are now super-stud streetfighting, reality based kung fu killer commando gurus who are the ultimate Bobs. These guys promise to teach you to be a fearless streetfighting terror if you pay them enough money. Often they have entire internet forums where you can get an entire tabernacle choir of Lil' Bobs chanting what a wimp you are for not doing their killer combative system on someone.

Basically, the original Bob, isn't hearing any one except people who are saying what he believes already. As such he can spend weeks stressing over and felling miserable about an incident that only took seconds.

Well, I guess everyone needs a hobby... that must be Bob's