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Striking When Bonding Goes Wrong | So How Do I Hit Hard? | Avoid Being Raped

Over the years we have interviewed hundreds of women who have been raped. In cases of date and acquaintance rape we found a surprising fact. In approximately 80%  of the events the woman initiated the physical violence!

Specifically as the male was either touching her inappropriately or grabbing him she threw the first punch or slap. Consequentially she was physically overwhelmed by the male.

When we mention this fact many advocates immediately go on the warpath and come up with all kinds of statements about how how we're blaming the victim and how a woman has the right to defend herself or that the violence was actually instigated by the man. The problem is they are so busy trying to blame the male that they miss our point. We don't object to the fact that the woman threw the first strike ...

What we object to is that she didn't break his jaw!

Our attitude isn't just that "No Means No." It means a trip to the hospital if you're too stupid or drunk to know what 'No' means.

Striking When Bonding Goes Wrong
It is our belief that many women who are raped -- especially in date rapes -- are actively involved in the bonding process. And that the male begins to engage in behavior that would cause him to "fail" the interview - usually by trying to push it to sex faster than the woman wants. That is assuming that the woman is even interested in the individual sexually at all, sometimes she is, often she is not. A common problem is when the male is attempting to bond with a woman against her wishes.

Unfortunately, since most people aren't aware of the process, it is not uncommon for the female to become annoyed and angry when the male becomes too adamant about achieving his own desires -- especially with no concern about hers. And she often does this without any clear idea -- at the moment -- *why* she is upset. Upon later reflection she might be able to clearly define and communicate the nature of his violations. But at that exact moment, undefined anger and upset are far more common reactions.

Nobody is arguing whether she's got a right to be upset. What was supposed to be a mutually beneficial experience is being pushed and bullied. There is only emphasis on his desires, not a mutual benefit. The issue is *how* she becomes upset. It's what she does with it that can become a problem. It is not uncommon for the female's frustration with the process being bullied to manifest in her striking the offending male intending to deter or slow him down. Imagine this soundtrack "Stop that! *smack*"

And that is where things often go sideways.

The reason being is that while the idea of striking someone to prevent further misconduct seems logical, you are not - at that moment - involved in a logical situation. In fact, at that moment, emotions, hormones, primal conditions and often alcohol/drugs are running high. Which means that you have at best only a 50/50 chance of a lighter blow having the desired effect of deterrence.

The problem is that other option. It isn't just a matter of it not working. It's about making it worse. In fact, instead of deterring him there is an equal - if not greater - chance of your blow angering him. What's more is that it is not uncommon in the male psyche to interpret a blow as the "go-ahead" signal for physical violence. Your ineffective hit has -- in his mind at least -- opened the door for use of force for him to get what he wants. Putting it simply, in his mind, by you hitting him, you "started it."

By striking him, you have escalated the situation to a physical level. If your strike doesn't cause significant damage or sufficient pain to cause him to reel away and/or collapse, then you have just opened the door to him physically assaulting you. And that is what is likely to happen. Unfortunately, upper male body strength is greater than that of the female. And that means if you "sit back to admire your handiwork" after one ineffective strike, there is a very good chance that he will retaliate and you will be overpowered. So we're not just talking him coming at you, but him winning.

By "sitting back" we mean that a person stops to see what effect her blow has had on the individual. Now while this may sound ludicrous, it is not uncommon for someone to strike another person and then glare with indignation at a would-be attacker. In other instances, she will sit there and verbally berate the male, not realizing that with her strike, she has either ended the misconduct or escalated it. It is also not uncommon for the striker to suddenly stop in shock and confusion when she realizes what she has just done. Regardless of their reason for either staying there or not launching another attempt to knock him out, women are often overwhelmed by the other person's retaliatory attack.

Many women's self-defense advocacy programs recommend a woman getting in touch with her rage. By tapping into this latent hostility they hope to create a berserk wild cat who will pummel the attacker into the ground with multiple blows. They feel this is the best way to condition a woman to attack a potential rapist. We have a problem with this kind of thinking. The crack in the logic becomes apparent in one simple question:

Are you willing to bet your life that your rage is bigger than his?

The idea is that when attacked you 'fight back' instead of fighting your way to freedom. There are two problems. First is by trying to 'fight back' you aren't getting out of Dodge...which leaving is the best and most guaranteed way to keep from getting raped. Second, most people are simply not that angry. I mean ask yourself, are you angry enough to rape someone? He is. And that is the level of anger you are trying to physically overwhelm by using yours. Furthermore anger and rage will carry you only so far - usually right up until the bigger person begins to attack back. It is also an easily observable fact that an enraged person will almost certainly attack straight in and using muscle. Unfortunately, this is also the fastest way for a smaller, weaker person to lose against a larger, equally committed opponent.

In essence the idea of engaging in wild rage will work against a surprised, not overly committed attacker. The question is will you be able to bring it up fast enough before you are simply overwhelmed by superior size, strength and a worse attitude?

See a point that many of these so-called Women's Self-Defense instructors seem to forget is that maybe, just maybe someone who would be willing to rape a woman might have anger issues as well.

So How Do I Hit Hard?
It may come as a surprise, but we have an entire section on Self-Defense. But, long before you get to the point of breaking someone's jaw, there are a lot of other issues that must be considered. Violence is a Pandora's box that you'd better be careful about opening. While living with the aftermath of being raped isn't easy, we can assure you living with the fact that you gouged someone's eyeball out isn't a picnic either.

Avoid Being Raped
We provide a nuts and bolts series of actions you can take to prevent a situation from getting to where you might need to use physical violence.

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